Commitment

What does it mean to be committed to something?

Over the last few weeks, I have been told that I am lacking in commitment.  I am not totally sure if it is meant to be tongue in cheek or not.  It has got me thinking.

I have decided that I am committed to many things but each has its priority compared to the other and that order of priority changes when necessary.

My commitments as I see them, in no order:

• Family.  What can I say?  They mean the world to me.  We are too far apart.  We are different.
• Friends.  I believe in the saying that your friends are the family you chose.  I don't have many close friends but I wouldn't change those I have for the world.
• Fireworks.  When I work on a fireworks display I feel like I can be myself, warts and all.  I feel valued and part of a team.  At times I can be feminine and at other times a work horse but always me.  Don't get me wrong, sometimes it is just plain horrible  but of course, you also get to blow stuff up!
• Venture Scotland.  I am very loyal to my work and colleagues at Venture Scotland.  I am perhaps their biggest critic but I am also a staunch supporter.
• Partner.  When in a relationship with someone, I seem to loose a bit of myself.  I become overly dependent on them.  I try to please them, do what I think is right for them.  This isn't always right for me.  Other times when I look after me, I feel guilty for having done so.  I have yet to find the right balance between time focused on my partner, time focused on us and time focused on me.  I live in hope that next time I get it right.
• Myself.  I am a big critic of myself.  I don't accept praise nearly as well as I accept criticism.  I remember and dwell on the critics but seem unable to glory in praise.  I am always look out for self improvement.  None of us are so great that we can not be better.

Over the past seven months I have been much more focused on myself.  I am learning to look after number one. Doing the things I want to do.  I have not been the best Sister, Daughter or Aunt.  I have not been the best friend.  This does not sit well on me, I don't enjoy it and I feel guilty about it but it is needed.

As for lacking in commitment?  I don't think so.  Instead I over commit.  Try to please too many people, be in too many places, do too much stuff.  Not doing any of it as well as I would like.  I always end up upsetting other people, and myself, when the balance goes wrong.

It is time to step back and have a look around.  Re-prioritize.